October is upon us. Welcome. For us men, this is amazing. Let us break down what we have in stake for the rest of the month. We have The NFL in full swing, College Football in one of the most important stretches of the season. We also have Major League Baseball in the League Championship Series and then the World Series. Let’s not forget the NBA tips off officially on October 16th. And NHL (I don’t watch hockey, YET) has begun. This is euphoria. It’s literally the greatest stretch in all sports.
Here’s the problem. Many people have significant others. That’s cool if you do, enjoy it. Because after this next three weeks, you might no longer have a significant other. If you are trying to find a excuse to make your significant other break up with you, then this is a perfect time as well because you can literally make a sports related excuse every day for the rest of the month. If you are trying to save your relationship however, you are in luck. Because this is the ultimate guide. I will give you the 10 ways to salvage your relationship. These can be used together (all 10 would be hard to pull off) or you can pick and choose a few of each. You be the judge. But follow these steps and you’ll be able to enjoy sports and save your relationship:
1. Fake An Illness
This one is tough. But if you do it just right you might be able to get through with your significant other not suspecting a thing. Want our suggestion? Instead of a “illness” we suggest an injury that isn’t absolutely crucial. A bad back. Always go with a bad back. Pretend you can barely get up. She’ll totally buy it.
2. Be strategic with dates.
There are available dates. Let’s not forget this crucial point. Are you not a huge baseball fan? Cool, make sure on the night you decide to go out it’s not a big game you want to watch. You go above and beyond on that date alright? I mean big. Let her talk about it with her friends and rave about how awesome you are. She’ll forget in a week. But it’s cool you buy yourself an extra week.
Girls love flowers. Send them to work. DO NOT OVER DO IT! This is important, you want her to think nothing is going on. So send them on a Tuesday.. make sure it either precedes a nice date or it’s immediately after.
4. Book a vacation
See where we are going here. Maybe on this date, mention a big vacation you booked. Has she always wanted to go to Greece? Fuck it. Greece it is. Turkey? Alrighty then, Turkey it is. Paris? Oui. Doesn’t matter, make her happy dude.
5. Work is slammed
Get your boss involved. Seriously.
6. Lie about work/school
Just lie. Sometimes that’s all you can do. What kind of lie? You are creative. My favorite lie as always ” My friend from high school (enter name of a friend she barely knows) just broke up with his girlfriend of (big number of years, I suggest 3+ years), he’s feeling really hurt. I am going to meet up with him for drinks”.
7. Act Mysterious
Sometimes acting mysterious is good. See, sometimes it’s reverse psychology. She’ll find you more mysterious. And love you more (this probably will backfire unless you are smooth.)
8. Buy Her A Dog
She’ll love the dog. And frankly, she won’t give a shit about you. So you’ll be free to do whatever you want. Except she might ask you to take him on walks together. But remember friends, we combine this step with step #1 (illness/injury) we won’t have to walk.
9. Big Promise
Make a huge promise. This step is only necessary if you didn’t get a dog, or a vacation planned or any of the above.
Boom. Propose. Put a ring on it. Do it on one of the nights there was no game you wanted to watch. A girl who just got proposed to won’t leave you. She’ll be too busy planning the wedding with her mom, friends, and everyone. She’ll be too busy also with the new dog you got her, and the vacation you planned. She won’t even care about what you are doing anymore. You’ll be home free, on the couch, beer in hand. Enjoying October the way you should. If you are already married, plan to renew your vows.
With the steps above, you can enjoy October, the way it should be enjoyed. And you can still keep your girlfriend or wife.